this is something about myself that i have wanted to change for a very long time. this is something i have always wanted to call an excuse, but in reality, it is just the way i am. i want to believe i can change because it could be extremely beneficial to all future relationships.
i’m guarded. i’m numb. i like distance. i’d rather be the clingy one. i feel like i have to work for someone to care about me. i don’t understand unconditional love when it is directed at me. i’m not sure why anyone would look at me that way. i have a high self-esteem. i have a low self-worth. i care too much about people who don’t care about me enough. i expect the worst. i want the best. i have a low standard. when people exceed that standard, i question the shit out of it. i can’t fully trust people who want the best for me. i don’t get why anyone outside of my family would want that. i want most of this to be untrue.
it really isn’t the worst way to be, until you realized you’ve sort of missed the boat on something awesome, because you were too busy chasing something not so awesome and running in circles through the patterns you’ve formed yourself.
live and learn and fuck up and love and get better at the way you are. forever changing and learning and growing and becoming the person i want to be. i’m turning 23 on wednesday. i’m contimplating the hell out of what i’m doing with my life.
he has trained himself his entire life. he looked at the way his mother did things and the way his father did. he learned how to do things differently. he taught himself how to not get hurt, and how to handle it when it happened. he learned how to care too much for people, and how to give them the benefit of the doubt when he was the only one who thought they deserved another chance. he learned when not to give people a second chance. he learned when to open his mouth and hold his tongue. over time, he taught himself to hide emotions and feelings, and to become numb to them when they were expressed to him. he tried to learn how to tell people the way he felt, but it always seemed misdirected. (it even took him two years to tell someone he used to love how angry he was at them, and after he did he felt both accomplished and embarrassed.) he grew a backbone, and he grew a strong defense. he played the role of the tough guy, because if anyone saw his true feelings, they would think of him as weak.
there was a time when he was thought of as weak. no one would ever look at him that way again.
he hated that he would never let anyone inside, but it wasn’t his fault. he tried, and that is all he could do.
"…make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."
he did not want to lose her, but he knew no other way.
he was a drifter, and she wasn’t looking for anything to tie her down. of course, she found it. she found him, and he was everything.
he was tall and strong and knew many things, and what he didn’t know he would find out. what she didn’t know, he would tell her, and he never claimed to be smart, but she knew otherwise. he worked with his hands growing up, and he worked with his hands when he met her. he was quick-witted and his eyes lit up when he smiled his smile, which was a smirk of sorts that somehow always whispered, “i told you so!” he was always right, and he needed affirmation. she let him win more often than not. it built his ego and it was inevitable that he would win even if he was wrong. when he loved, he loved with only half of his heart, because he would not let himself love with the whole thing anymore. he was selfish and he never backed down, and was quick to apologize.
she should have found everything he did obnoxious, but she found it endearing instead. she was a girl who said she wasn’t going to love anymore, that she was going to be more cautious with the hearts of others. she wouldn’t let you tell her she was too young for anything. she could prove it all, and she would do it with her guard up. “if you don’t let anyone in, you can’t get hurt,” she would tell herself the moment someone peaked her interest. those who didn’t know her called her ill-tempered or rude, but those who she loved would never utter such words, for she cared for each friend and loved one as if they were of the same blood. she didn’t see a need to sugarcoat anything, and unable to keep quiet, would voice her opinion on any subject. she was resilient and this made it appear easy to move on from heartbreak. when she loved, she loved with her whole heart, and when she ran out of love, she ran away.
she loved him, and she wanted him to love her.
she knew that it was so much easier to see what she wanted to see instead of what was actually there. she held on, made excuses, and justified the hell out of something so much so that eventually, she had manipulated the truth into something so unclear, even she believed what she was out to convince someone else of.
she knew that it was time to move on, and there was no time or reason for an ultimatum. he knew it would happen one day, and he knew that he would lose her for good. he did not want to lose her, but he knew no other way.
thank you, facebook, for suggesting that i be friends with people i don’t want to be friends with, and when i inevitably lurk their page, find out things i just do not want to know.
my life just rules so much though, and nothing can touch me.
the way my best friend and i react to stunning news:
jamie: THAT IS not a welcomed update me: it sure the fuck is not jamie : hahahaha jamie: man whatever jamie: your life rules jamie: and today me: seriously jamie: especially me: i know jamie: fucking me: dude jamie: rules me: i know me: hahahaha jamie: hahahhahha